Look, I know the word *manifest* is a real trigger for a lot of people. It is for me too. However, I’ve recently stumbled upon some ground breaking information that I feel compelled to share. COMPELLED.

As an AVID practitioner of the “think positive, good vibes, no bad thoughts may enter” model of law of attraction, I’ve always believed (at least for the last decade or so) just what I stated. If I stay positive, focus on what I want and not what I don’t want, then those things will eventually come. Well, no. I looked back over the course of my life, and the things I’ve “manifested” haven’t always arrived when I was flying high on good vibes. Some came in when I was really depressed! How can that be??

First, let me talk about how I define a manifestation: I see a manifestation as something you want or have been wanting in your life that arrives effortlessly, in perfect timing- serendipitously, if you will. The money is right, or it’s totally free. The moment is perfect and everything was just lined up and that thing just fell into your lap. Manifestations aren’t forced or hard to achieve. If they are, they often don’t stay. At least, that’s my patterning. Okay, now that that’s out of the way, I’ll tell you about what I recently learned.

“Manifesting” what you want has nothing to do with positivity, and everything to do with your self worth, and your self worth varies among every aspect in your life. Have you ever noticed the people who literally eat trash nonstop and have amazing bodies? Or the people who just make money super easily and they’re not even that smart and/or hardworking? Do you have a really lucky friend who just kind of happens their way into good fortune all the time? Well, by this model of thinking, those people would have high self worth in those categories. Take the example of a really wealthy person with garbage relationships- their self-worth around money might be super high, meaning they believe they deserve money and have no doubt about it, but their self-worth in love and partnership might not be. Does that make sense?

It super clicked for me yesterday as I was riding my horse- the one that was gifted to me after I declined an offer to buy multiple times. The super expensive Arabian horse that fell into my lap when I had the lowest vibration of all time because I was living through a depression after escaping a cult-like business venture. If manifestations depend on good vibes and positive thoughts- riddle me that one!

So let me give you some insight into my extremely high self worth in the equestrian realm. As a preschooler, I was OBSESSED with My Little Pony. Like all I wanted was to be the first kid released at play time so I could run to the ponies before anybody else. I always asked for horse toys for my Barbies and wanted all the accessories to boot. My parents, observant as they were, asked if I wanted to take horseback riding lessons. I was a shy child (no, seriously so shy) around new people and environments, but obviously I said yes because here we are now.

At five years old and at $25 a lesson (people think riding horses is a rich person’s sport, and it CAN be, but it can also not be, trust), my mom signed me up for weekly riding lessons. Right away I was a natural and from what I recall, pretty fearless. I just LOVED how big they were, and how if they trust you, they’ll do anything for you. I do owe this fearlessness in large part to my trainer, Holly, because she sent 5 year old Liz into a field of horses with a bucket of grain I could hardly carry and told me to figure out how to catch my horse. I’m sure my mom damn near died. She also made me stand on my horse bareback and pick her apples out of a tree. And the first time I was bucked off? Forget about it! She laughed so hard and yelled, “You’re a real cowgirl now!” My ass might have been bruised, but my ego wasn’t! I was so proud!

Whether by nature or nurture, I am my most secure, confident and worthy self around horses. I know what I’m doing. I know my limits, and I know the horses’ limits. I set firm boundaries with humans and horses in those environments and I do not accept poor behavior or violations of those boundaries. I deeply trust my intuition, and I know what’s about to happen before it happens. That’s the difference between a fun ride and a broken back or worse at times. I ask for help when I need it, and I put my safety first. I completely own my space, and not many people see that side of me. Once, a friend went riding with me and told me she felt like I was a totally different person in the barn, and I am. We all play hide and seek with our self worth in our day to day lives. At least, I do. But when I’m in the equestrian environment, my sense of self and my identity are so completely intact that literally nothing matters except existing with these animals. Riding centers, balances and grounds me. When I skip more than a couple weeks in a row, my mental health takes a noticeable turn for the worst, rapidly.

So, how did I *manifest* a free, well-bred Arabian horse? I’ll tell you.

My first job at 14 was shoveling horse shit. I’m not kidding. At 15, I got my first horse (bless up, mom, fr fr, thank you). I needed a way to take responsibility for this horse- his name was Lightning Jazz- so I cleaned stalls in exchange for his board. Fast forward to college, and I sold Jazz. It was SO hard. I was away at school, and the poor baby was just sitting in the barn for months! He was salty every time I came home, and it just wasn’t fair to him. He needed to be ridden and appreciated!

So following the sale of Jazz, there was a horse named Tahoe who was boarded in the same barn. Tahoe, as I’ve mentioned, is an Arabian. All you need to know is that means he’s clinically insane. His owner bought him having never ridden horses before and in her forties, and she just wanted a pretty one. She fell off one time and never got on him again. So, like Jazz, he was in the barn just hanging out a lot. I would ride him when I was in town to get him some exercise and socialization. I’m just going to be real, I’m an excellent rider, and he had me trippin. That horse was nuts. But can you blame him? He’s got a high spirit and needed regular attention! I digress.

So anyway, fast forward again, and after a series of unfortunate events, I found myself living in my mom’s house at 27, paying off a ton of debt and attempting to save enough to get back out on my own. Since I was back in St. Louis after living in Chicago, I of course began riding Tahoe again and much more frequently. I mean, free rides? Yes! His owner loved it because she was only willing and able to visit him and pet him given her skill level. Very shortly after, she tragically fell very ill and let me know she needed to sell Tahoe. I was devastated, but was in no position to make an offer. At the time, I even assumed I’d leave St. Louis again once I got back on my feet. So she made me an offer!

And I said no. I couldn’t. I was so broke. And then became more depressed because the one thing making me happy was so close, yet I couldn’t grasp it. A couple weeks later, she offered a lower price and said she really wanted me to have him because she didn’t want him to leave his friends (the other barn horses), and I really understood him. Again, I said no. My mom and the woman who boards him even started pressuring me! I was like, YOU ALL ARE INSANE DO YOU SEE ME WITH AN EXTRA SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS? GO AWAY. And I’ll never forget Dee Ann (she boards Tahoe in her barn), said, “Liz. He’s your horse.” SHEESH. I mean, I knew that, but I couldn’t see how I could make it work in my current situation.

So another couple weeks go by, I’m depressed as shit- again, I was recovering from serious trauma, this was just icing on the cake. Lower than low vibes. I mean, we are into mood territory (ifykyk), and Dee Ann calls and says, “[his owner] can’t stand the thought of Tahoe living somewhere where they don’t understand him and being away from his friends. She would like to gift him to you.” And I said no. SERIOUSLY. What. The. Fuck. I still couldn’t afford to pay monthly board! I was so broke, it’s not even funny. Technically, I could afford it, but at the cost of keeping me in my mom’s house and taking longer to pay off debt. But Dee Ann said, “You can afford it. I will make it so you can afford it.” And she threw a number at me that had me calling my mom crying because it was so low, and I still couldn’t bring myself to do it. So my mom, the saint that she is, said, “You need this, and it is clear this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I’ll help you with board until you get on your feet.” (Privilege has entered the chat.) Seriously, although this piece is part of the story, it would have been much harder if not impossible had my mom not been able to bridge the gap I needed closed at this time in order to accept this gift. No question- this is privilege. Thank you, Mom.

Six months later, I received a raise at work and was able to take over the board. And right up until Lola + Rose *manifested,* I went back to shoveling horse shit on weekends just to lower the cost for myself.

I tell this story to solidify my new way of thinking when it comes to calling in and receiving the things I want in life. When I look at the times things just “worked out” or came to me easily by just landing in my lap, they were NEVER forced, and I also had no doubts about whether I deserved them or not. I mean, I literally pushed Tahoe away multiple times, but it was never because I thought I was unworthy of owning a horse. I belong with horses and they belong with me- that’s part of who I am. That was going to happen whether I consciously believed it or not. I was so broke, so depressed and so NOT positive, that if the “think positive” model of manifestation were true, I wouldn’t have that horse. And honestly, I’d have had much bigger problems if negative thoughts came true just because we believed them.

On the other hand, I think about things that I forced- the things that gave me a pit. Those that even though I wanted them SO bad and would hype myself up and convince myself I deserved them never lasted. They were always the things I thought I needed to impress someone or to symbolize some status or boost my ego in some way. Think about the things in your life that ALWAYS just work out for you. Not everyone has that gift you’re thinking of. Think of the things you thought you really wanted and forced, and how they didn’t end up being as great as you though they would be or how they disappeared as fast as they came in.

All this isn’t about some esoteric woo woo magic manifestation bs some guru is touting all over social media. It’s truly about looking at where in our lives feel most worthy and authentic, and where in our lives we don’t. Can we focus on the things in our lives that ALIGN with who we really are and toss out the rest?

I’ve been working a lot on releasing things that don’t work for me anymore. Letting go of old thoughts, habits, things and even people can be painful, but when we strip all that away, I think we can find out where we are thriving already and where we need some extra love and care. Personally, I can pick apart what I’ve been doing or chasing for the sake of what I think other people expect vs what I really want and need in life to be happy. I saw a quote the other day that said, “How do you know you’re doing the most aligned thing for you? It’s the way you’d do it if you were in secret.” And that resonated with me so much, because my horse and my experience with horses isn’t for anyone but me, and that’s how I know I’m deeply in my worth.

I have a LONG list of things on my manifestation list, so I’m applying the Tahoe theory and working to build up my sense of worth and deservingness around those things. I’ll let you know when I get the G-Wagen.

xoxo,

Liz