May! What happened? I didn’t forget about you, but this year has flown by at max speed and here I am, honoring the intersection of what I set out to do and what I’m motivated and/or inspired to do. I set out to choose a theme each month of this year instead of having one over-arching New Year’s resolution, and I have to say, it’s gone swimmingly. When I swing back into my old, anxious, controlling, lethargic or confused patterns, I bring myself back to my monthly theme and do my best to practice it. So far, each month has led me smoothly to my next theme. It’s almost like my instincts are telling me the next area I could investigate and see what’s there. I often arrive at my next month’s theme before the current month is even over! This month was different though! This month has sort of told me what I need.

I’m throwing that photo above up there simply because I feel like it, and because it sort of captures all three themes I considered for the month of May. The first was “love,” but let’s be real, that was just because I was in a really good mood when I thought of it, and I didn’t expect that to last. The second word was “fun.” I landed on fun for a while because I barely truly laugh anymore (sad, but it’s true), I try to control everything, and even when I’m out having “fun,” I’m always anxious about the future. This presents in the form of me trying to control everything. For example: on the trip this photo is from, I obsessed over how much water and sleep I was getting and what foods I was eating because I HATE being hungover and not feeling well, especially when I’m away from home. I hope one day I can get a little of my wild, free spirit back and down tequila at the beach all day without sheer panic and fear of a hangover impeding my good time, but I’m not there yet. I mean, come on. Pandemic. You can’t blame me for developing health and social anxiety.

So ANYWAY, the theme I’ve settled on is “Honor.” What honor means to me is truly just go with the flow and respect how I’m feeling when I’m feeling it and dropping the anxiety. Am I feeling lovey? Go with it. Am I having fun? Go with it. Honor it and don’t ruin it! Or at least try not to. By the same token, I tend to do things like post thotty pics on Instagram and then later regret it, and then later regret regretting it. Instead, why can’t I honor the fact that I felt like posting a thotty pic, and that’s fine. And next week I might want to post an art pic or a “I’m totally in control and a respectable 31 year old” pic? Why can’t I honor my own life, feelings and wishes over what I think others expect of me? Weird man.

I was having a very poignant conversation with a friend about this recently. She was advising someone else in her life on the fact that other people really don’t care about you, respectfully. They just don’t. If they do, that’s kind of a them problem. If someone has as much of an issue with my thotty picture as I think they do, and they choose not to message me directly and ask me why I’m being a thot on Instagram, well, that’s not really my problem. So how can I make my choices with conviction and then honor them? How can I change my mind, even when I said I was going to start or stop doing something, honor that choice and the fact that I’ve changed my mind, without needing to explain myself? I don’t know. That’s why I picked this theme. I’m trying it out.

I’ve had a pretty big project I envisioned about 6 months ago, but have yet to execute. It’s been eating me up, but I can’t find it in me to get started…yet. I hope I do soon, but I think I should honor that my best work and creations will present when the time is right. And this isn’t a motivation issue. I have plenty of motivation- I’m just waiting to download the inspiration that will lead me to the right action. It’s in there. I trust myself.

Meanwhile, I have purchased and have been playing Roller Coaster Tycoon every night before bed. I’m not even kidding. It’s so much fun. And I don’t feel the slightest bit of guilt for playing computer games for hours this week. It’s FUN, and I’m honoring whatever the F I feel like, because I trust that I can balance goofing off for a while and still doing things like housework (I legit love cleaning- it’s annoying), resin art or working out that make me feel balanced and productive.

Alright, well I’m done journaling, I guess. It’s so odd that I put this shit on the internet and really don’t care if anyone reads it. I love this blog, but I still don’t know what I’m doing with it or what it’s for other than sufficing as my public diary.

xoxo

Liz