YO. This shit’s CRAZY. I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me, this pandemic has been horrible and amazing at the same time. I’ve grown to be pretty introspective when I carve out the time for it, but self-reflection, stillness and peace tend to be the first acts of care to go when life gets busy and takes over. Isolation has all but forced me into facing some demons head on and making peace with them. It’s also expanded my range of emotion into some great places and some not so great places. I don’t feel the need to explain the horrible aspects of this pandemic, so I’m really going to keep this to my personal experience. If you forgot how horrific this has been, literally google it.

This time of year especially, you’ll hear me saying repeatedly, “As soon as x event is over, I’ll slow down and have time to get caught up on life.” but x events are NEVER over. Whether it’s weddings, vacations, parties or gatherings, there’s always something standing in the way of getting caught up. But damn, bitch! I’m caught up!! And so is everyone around me, it seems.

Things are JUST DIFFERENT. One of my best friends has decided to leave the city she’s been in for years and move back to her home town, my brother is planning his exit from Las Vegas, another best friend is considering ditching renting and buying a home, and without getting too personal, I’ve changed a major component of my life over the course of this quiet period. These things seem like normal life occurrences, but none of this would have happened in the last two months had it not been forced upon us. It is SO easy to let the distractions of our lives rob us of an intentional life. Before we know it, we wake up wondering what happened to the last five years. This pandemic basically forced quit every background application in our lives and allowed us to reboot. Now, we wake up every day thinking consciously about the day. What’s going right? What’s going wrong? How do I feel? How are my friends doing? How is my family doing? Am I angry? Am I scared? Am I ok? Am I happy?

Observing everyone from my closest circle to distant acquaintances, it seems everyone has in some way, dug into themselves a little. Maybe I’m projecting (I’m probably projecting), but everyone seems… different. Maybe more peaceful? Intentional? Introspective? Empathetic? I can’t put my finger on it, but my immediate environmental vibrations have changed. Yeah, vibrations. I said what I said.

No doubt, this has been hard for everyone. I’ve cried more in the last two months than I have in the last 5 years, but I know it’s because I’ve finally allowed myself to feel everything, good and bad. I’ve cried for my friends, I’ve cried for strangers, I’ve cried for myself. But I’ve also been SO loving towards myself, towards strangers and towards my friends. I haven’t felt this much emotional depth since before my trip down pyramid-cult lane, and I’m kind of ok with it. If you’ve known me since before the cult, no, I will not be turning back into the benign psychopath known as Lola (even though she’s tons of fun), but it’s so freeing to be able to feel again wholly. That probably sounds so corny, but for me, it feels like this pandemic has given me so much that I otherwise wouldn’t have allowed for myself.

Please don’t for one second think that I’m completely tone deaf. I know how many lives and jobs have been lost, and how many we continue to lose. I know the country is all but at war, and I know we have a long, long road of uncertainty before us. I realize that I am extraordinarily lucky to be able to share this positive experience. I also know that the earth is rebuilding, and I know that for people who are fortunate enough to spend a global pandemic “finding themselves,” this is a time for them to start to put back into the world the love that they’re cultivating. The more you fill your own cup, the more you have to share.

I don’t even recognize myself and all the cornball shit I’m spewing, so I’m sorry if this has been painfully dull. I truly hope you’re staying well and doing your best to stay grateful.